Ready or not, here come the holidays! Fake smiles, sibling rivalry, unsolicited advice, awkward silences, staged photos… BINGO! Arm yourself for the trip home with Dysfunctional Family Bingo. It might take the edge off just enough to avoid self-medicating, though you’ll also get a square for that.
Sure, I may be the jerk who made you wince in disgust as you fished a bug out of your glass, but hey! You didn’t know I was planning that little trick when you accepted my invitation, did you?
Here are some proper gifts that will get you a kiss, an insect-free drink, and an invitation back to my next dinner party (assuming that you’d want to come):
Eames House of Cards–a stacking, interlocking set that will keep me occupied when I should be cleaning the kitchen.
Cabebe Shell Dish or Ceramic Urchin Box–both from Jayson Home and Garden, both gestures that will make me think of you every time I take off my jewelry for the night.
Rick’s Pick’s Whup Asp Zesty Pickled Asparagus Spears–maybe I’ll open them to share with the party. Then again, maybe I won’t.
Table Topics Original Edition–I thought I knew you. But I’ve also had 3 glasses of wine.
Cold, bored, and stuck inside? Sick of the Wii? Let this stickable hopscotch board be your winter warmer.
The best gifts to please screeching, barking, tired households like mine, short of free babysitting and maid service.
Sweet felt frames for all the birds in your flock.
Because as long as you’re bribing the kids with hot chocolate, you might as well take that Carnation instant cocoa to the next level.
A trick from my beloved grandmother, who hails from the pre-germ era: kids love counting and rolling coins. These colorful metallic trays are also perfect for making change when they play store.
Put your foot down once and for all.
Be the goose that lays this golden egg in their backyard.
The only foreseeable issue with these Lego-handled utensils is that the kids will insist on eating with them stacked in an awkward fork-spoon-knife combination. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Made from densely packed magazines, this bulletin board (no push pins necessary!) is the sharpest I’ve ever seen.
The ultimate rainy day entertainment: a 500 piece “impossible” puzzle based on an abstract illustration by Alex Beard.
These cards make traveling sew much fun.
Why freeze ice when you can freeze the cup instead?
This gigantic digital photo frame (15″!) makes that newborn baby almost lifesized.
While they’re not quite Anarchy in the UK, these punky monkeys are so much cuter than letting them stick a safety pin through their ear.
Bedtime battles be gone: turn on this constellation maker and snuggle under the Milky Way tonight.
Memorialize the whole family on a stick-figure pillow that Mom and Dad will keep on their bed forever.
Yes, these are bugs encased in Lucite. Is that creepy?
Feed their Bob Ross addiction with a paint-by-numbers set. Just make sure it doesn’t end up in the garage sale by “accident.”
Use these spy sunglasses to confirm your long-standing conviction that they are indeed following you. Even if “they” just happen to be, um, your parents.
Because after all this fun, mom and dad are tired. Guaranteed.
